its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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