Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
