I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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