my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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