There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
