Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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