His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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