the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
