I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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