Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
