Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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