Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
