Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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