So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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