Don't make out with my wife yet
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
