so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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