I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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