he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
