Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
