It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
