ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
