If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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