This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
