omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
