Cold hands, warm shart.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
