his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
