My liver just broke up with me...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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