if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
