....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
