Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
