the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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