i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
