I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize