does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
