I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
