Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
