It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
