I skipped work to stalk him.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
