I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
