3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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