is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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