I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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