did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
