I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
