That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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