I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
