whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
