The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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