you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
