The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
