To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
