Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You pole danced in your parka.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
