I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
