Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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