Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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