Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
