So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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