Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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