the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
